I knew it, but I forgot; I didn’t really forget, I just… Didn’t connect the dots. Now, they are connected. So, I know I need to focus on one thing at the time, but I’m an expert of trying to do 10 things at once, preferably yesterday.

The realization was that my computer time was not very focused, but rather that I didn’t know myself what I was doing most of the time. As we moved, and moved our stuff, computers and desks, I understood that having that extra monitor may be a huge distraction for me, and that I need to stop.

I decided to run a trial, and only have my main monitor, and remove the other one; combined with the smaller desk I have dedicated the desk area to only computer.

In my mind I wanted to have a larger desk, preferably a corner version so I could have my coloring books on the side. At the end of this trial I will decide between the smaller version or the larger version of a sit/stand desk.

Små steg, hela tiden.

Hjärnan är inte riktigt med, speciellt inte på engelska. Och jag hatar det. Men jag vill inte lägga energi på att hata det, så någonstans har jag fått ge in för det. Acceptera att jag inte kan prata ordentligt. Jag säger fel ord så ofta, och ibland i helt fel ordning. Men istället för att spänna mig och oroa mig när det blir fel i hjärnan fortsätter jag att prata, och går vidare från där.

Dessa ord är mycket repetition av förra inlägget. Repitition är en stor del av mina tankar just nu. Inte nödvändigtvis negativa cirklar dock, utan som ett verktyg för att börja om, skriva om. Gör om gör rätt, eller hur var det?

Min terapeut och jag kom fram till en typiskt bra grej (TM), jag bör inte söka mig ett karriärsyrke, någonsin. Just för att jag alltid vill för mycket, och jobbar mig själv sjuk. Så sakta men säkert har jag börjat planera för vad jag skulle kunna göra i framtiden, om jag någonsin blir frisk. Betvivlar att jag någonsin blir helt funktionell igen efter att jag drivit mig själv så långt och djupt ner i utmattning.

Snart får vi ett nytt hem, då kan jag börja på nya rutiner. Och repetera detta, over and over and over.

A year. A lot changed

I’m sick. But I hate using that word.

I’m on sick leave. Due to exhaustion. Depression.
The exhaustion is worse than the depression.

It drains. And paralyzes.

I went for years. I did not realize that the way I pushed myself would be my downfall. Again.

I’m not alone. He loves me. I love him.
He will hold me. Tell me that everything will be okay. One day. But now I need rest.

It is true. Rest. I need rest. So I rest. Resting is not easy.

Taking responsibility for oneself

A little over a month ago, I took the step to start eating anti-depressants again, after 4 years of trudging along without them.
This is not something I want to hide, partly because I find that it can be helpful to others who need help (I am not saying that Medication is the ONLY solution!), and partly because I find it might be helpful for people to understand who I am (since we’re “friends” and all[this post was initially intended for Facebook, but as I couldn’t stop writing I am now posting it on my blog, publicly]).

I begun taking the medication because I had found myself, over and over again, with impulses that scared me, even if I had them under control. I was looking to save myself before the day came when I could not control said impulses. These always occurred together with PMS, I’m thinking that there might be a PMDD connection here. My mood swings would be insufferable, and some of you have had to suffer.

As I came to realize that I had found someone I was getting ready to spend a big part of my life with, I felt that it wasn’t fair to him (because apparently repelling friends due to mood-swings just didn’t get the message across for me) to have to suffer through this. The realization did not come immediately. I did actively try to become “a better person” for months and months, we always talked about it and we figured out some solution, and then BOOM the mood-swings were back. I would usually only get one week of “being normal”, maybe two weeks if I was very lucky, before it was back to roller-coaster hell with emotions and impulses.

I had thought about medication for months, and I made the decision. Yet, it took another few weeks, maybe even months, before I actually picked up the phone and got an appointment. But let me spare you the details of me dealing with the doctor.

I begun to eat medication, had 2 HORRIBLE weeks, crawling skin, restlessness, feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. Normal side-effects when you begin eating these types of medication. Then one day it was better, and I was back to being somewhat functional.

Last week my boyfriend visited for a few days, during PMS week. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada. No Mood-Swings. NO MOOD-SWINGS!! I was normal, happy, and I was never afraid that I’d just step out into the road in front of a fast moving car. The crazy was gone. The crazy IS gone! And I am happier for it.

Now, I want to finish this off by sharing a little secret: Part of me knew, for these 4 years, that I was much worse off without medication, but I just did not want to eat any so I kept trying to figure stuff out. I kinda regret it, but at the same time it was an experience, and I wouldn’t be where I am right now without it. Now I am sharing this knowledge with you.

Books to read in the next year

I spent the evening going through my  “30 books to read before you turn 30”, since I now have a year to go. Why would I need to go through it though? Well, I wanted to figure out which books I had (very few), which were now public domain and likely available for free on Kindle or as Audiobooks through lovely Librevox, or which I should buy on the Kindle. And on the side of that I wanted to make my wishlist for the books I’ll buy on the Kindle.

A little over a week ago I received a Kindle from my boyfriend as an early birthday present, one of the best presents I’ve ever gotten. He had found it very impractical for me to always being 6-8 books when I came to visit, thus the Kindle. I agreed.
So this sparked my interest in reading again. Now, I’ve already been reading quite a lot for my classes in school, but felt that I’ve wanted to get back to reading outside of that again.

I realized, as I dove into War and Peace on the Kindle (free classic book!), and while I walked and listened to the Audiobook of the Mockingjay (thank you, Humble Bundle), that I wasn’t only consuming these two books, but I was juggling 5 books next to each other, without even accounting for the anthology and non-fiction for school, which would add up to 7 or 8 depending on how you count.

Anyways, my brain has been obsessed with books the past week and how to get back into reading, as well as how to consume these 30 or so books in the next year. Apparently I can process several books on the side of each other, in different formats (hard, ebook & audiobook) at the same time,which can be good and detrimental at the same time. I spent the night going through the list, and adding them appropriately into a spreadsheet, with colours and everything.  Now all that remains is to choose which of which I will be reading, that is the next step.

The below widget doesn’t actually represent the progress I’ve made on the list of books before 30, but it’s an indicator for me if I’m reading, and as long as I’m reading I’m not too fussed about which books. More updates will come.

2015 Reading Challenge

2015 Reading Challenge
Marie has
read 8 books toward her goal of 32 books.


This url suggest that the blog should be written in Swedish. Men jag vet inte riktigt om det är vad jag vill. Neither do I know if I want to write in English. Därför kommer det vara obestämt för tillfället. Det viktiga för mig är att jag skriver igen.

But what  does one write about these days? It used to be political, politically bound. I’m still dedicated to the cause, but I require an outlet for my creative side.

Jag ser. Jag lyssnar. Jag känner. 

We’ll see where we end up.