Category Archives: Musings

First week of work

I’ve been working with my new job for a week. This is the first day that I’m taking a real day off. I tried om Saturday, but I had fires to extinguish. 

I slept 14hrs, and woke up around 13.00. Sleeping this much reminded me that I’ve been neglecting my naps and rest time. I’ll elaborate on this, just have to go through a few other things first. 

Yesterday my live-in boyfriend pointed out that I have been working a lot more than I’ve clocked. Which made me realize that I need to compartmentalize my work more. 

So these things connect, obviously. I need to delineate what my work entails, so I focus on that during my work time. While doing so I also need to delineate my work time as well not just clock in when I’m already doing work my accident. 

This will free me up from stress, because this is my work box [work], this box entails (these chores). Then outside that box I chill and focus on my studying for that designated time. And take my god damn naps! 

My studies,  I’ve already compartmentalized, which has helped me a lot in staying healthy. Basically I’m just borrowing from what I learnt when I started school again in January, after a year sick-leave. 

Maybe I’ll do more updates like this! 

For reference, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which makes getting a job scary and exciting at the same time. 

Black and white

I’m so sick and tired of people viewing the world in black and white. We no time for nuance in our posts, our streams. There’s no time and no space. I’m right you’re wrong, I’m wrong you’re right. Black. White.

On top of this, we have algorithmic bubbles, bubbles of views, where most of the ideas that I get to see, is ideas which I agree with. And if I don’t agree with it I can choose to see less of that particular content, I’m not reporting it, not blocking the person, just muting their PoV, and strengthening my own world view in the process.

When someone disagrees with us? We go to attack, we find faults in their grammar, we find faults in their cosmetics, we distill what we believe they are arguing for into two or three words letting them know that we aren’t interested in their ideological nonsense, and that they are wrong. You are dismissed.

Even when that person genuinely wants to open up a conversation, find an agreement, is there any common ground? What is the root of the problem in our society? What can we together do to fix it?

Even if we hate each other, we can only fix this if we work together, and find a root. Maybe we need a grass root, but we need to start growing.

The world is not the worst it’s ever been, it’s just that negative reporting gives more clicks, yields more money. It pays the rent. No one cares if things are going well. Heck, we don’t even care that much about the bad stuff that’s happening. We are too busy, too busy with work, 8-10hrs / day, maybe even 2 jobs, and kids. When are we going to have time to change the world? Someone else can do it for us.

It starts with you, and me, and your neighbor, and your friend’s best friends grandmother. We are all in this together, and we need to take steps to take care of each other. We need to just take a little bit of time to help someone else.

Not tomorrow, not next week. We have to start today.

Kan vi alla hålla med om att vi behöver en hållbar flyktingpolitik?

Vi måste prata om detta, inför Partiledardebatterna, och under den:

Kan vi börja prata om skatteflykterna, och dåligt planerad användning av skattemedel? (så som den fina kryssningsbåten till flyktingar som stog tom måste betalas för och blev en rättsligt tvist, kolosalt höga hyror för asylsökande/flyktingar där uthyrare går i vinst)
Kan vi börja att verkligen titta på Hållbar-utveckling för att ta emot flyktingar?

sustainable

Här är lite länkhjälp om hållbarhet. Känner ni någon riksdagsledamot, eller partiledare, eller blivande partiledare? Prata med dem om detta, låt oss starta ett riktigt samtal! Snälla?

1 – Make them partners, not just recipients.
2- Homes for refugees: eight new designs for conflict housing
3- Urgent Housing Solution – Scandinavian sustainable design at it’s best

Detta är bara ett axplock, det finns så mycket goda idéer där ute. som är genomförbara.
Vissa kommer argumentera: men vi kan inte bara ge dem hus och hem gratis, det kostar pengar. Det är rätt! Men vi kan hjälpa dem att hjälpa sig själva och varandra. Då får vi en fungerande integration och ett fungerande ekosystem.
De som flyr och kommer hit är från alla promenader i livet. Läkare, byggarbetare, lärare, hårfrisörer, designers, etc etc. Ser vi inte hur de kan hjälpa att bygga upp hem, och få i ordning?

Vad händer om vi prioriterar intensivkurser till de som redan är lärare? Så de sedan vidare kan hjälpa fler att lära sig svenska?
Vad händer om de som är pedagoger och psykologer får jobba med de barnen som kommer, får hjälpas åt för att hantera traumat de gått igenom för att ta sig bort ifrån kriget?
Vad händer om de som vet hur man bygger får bli sysselsatta med att hjälpa till att bygga hem till de som kommer?
Vad händer om de som är läkare, undersköterskor och sjuksköterskor får hjälpa dem runtomkring sig, kanske tillsammans med tolk och svensk doktor att ge de personer som kommit hit hjälp med sjukdommar och skador de har?
Vad händer om de som kan sy, får sysselsätta sig med att reparera, sy nytt? Finns det företag idag som har restprodukter som vi skulle kunna låta gå till nytta?

Ser du vad jag menar? Ser du hur detta kan vara en hållbar hjälp? En hållbar utveckling, som bygger sig själv, som inte måste kosta så mycket extra?

Fight the world. Save the world.

Currently the world is making me incredibly depressed. And I don’t have the energy to fight it.

I am a fighter at heart, no question about it. I am of the strong belief that I can’t expect other people to do things that I wont try to do myself, i.e. save the world.

Currently the state of affairs are however driving me nuts. 8 months and counting, and I don’t have energy to save the world.

I get whispers in my ear, telling me that I have to save myself first, before I can save everyone else. I can’t save other people from drowning, if I will drown in the process.

But I want to, I really want to help make the world a better place. What can we do?

For me, that currently am in a state where I can’t really do anything, there are tiny minuscule things that I can do, and then hope that people will pay it forward.

Examples: 1) I’m now a proud patron of Magnus Andersson the current leader of the Swedish Pirate Party, for $25 a month. Those who know me know that 6 years ago I was a candidate in the Swedish election for the Pirate Party. In that situation I also had people who helped me because they could. Right now I can’t go out and work for the Pirate Party myself, but I can help those who do.
2) a few days ago, a lady on Twitter asked if people would be interested in sketches for $15 so she could pay the rent. I signed up, and went ahead and helped.

I do what I can. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I do help as well.

Coming back down to earth

I was high, so high. Up in the clouds, happy and energetic. I knew it wouldn’t last.

Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what happens when we come back down from the high. You and I wont be the same, but here’s my side.

It started two days ago, but I didn’t realize. I vented on Twitter, thought it was fine. I went from my happy day-time-mood. Where I’m functioning, and smiling. I took my naps like I should, so I wont crash. I didn’t crash. But at night it came crawling. The thoughts. Why can’t you do more. I have to take baby steps. I talk about it, I talk about it with pride, that I can take these small steps.

IT IS NOT FAST ENOUGH.

Small steps, moving me forward, or not actually moving me at all. Am I getting better? Stress running around inside of me.

I’m fine, it’s good. I’m getting better.

I take my naps, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I need to balance. on a ball. on a plank. BALANCE. One wrong step and …

… everything

falls

apart. Again

I recognized it.

It was ignored when I woke up.

Loud voices. My own. Words battling.

Last night anxiety visited me. I shared with twitter, but not with A. Why didn’t I? The anxiety, my old friend, familiar. I managed to calm down and sleep.

Did it boil? Yes, maybe. But today it burst. And when I began crying I couldn’t stop, and I was too exhausted to fight the bad voices. LOUD. SCREAMS. telling me: THE END IS NIGH. I had to hold my self, clench my fist. Stop myself, stop any possible action.

A, wanted to give me space. That was when it broke out. I couldn’t ask for help, I couldn’t talk. the same repetitive words spinning around and round inside my head. Clenching harder.
My sobs reached him. He came and comforted me.

How do you tell someone you love that your mind is SCREAMING at you that you should make him leave, so you can die in peace?

I came down from the high. I see a world in need, a world I want to help. But first I need to help myself, someone else has to save the world.

All this will be brought up with my doctor. Be comforted by the fact that I can talk about it.

Att sätta ord på det svåra

Delar vidare min kommentar som jag skrev som svar på Nanne Grönvalls blogg, DÄRFÖR HAR JAG AVBOKAT ALLA JOBB I ÖVER 3 MÅNADER HITTILLS:

“Så jag fortsatte rusa på, med siktet inställt på att bit för bit förändra allt det jag visste att jag inte kunde fortsätta åta mig.” – bit för bit förändra allt.
Sedan förra hösten jobbade jag med det själv, att bit för bit fixa små grejer, så att jag skulle orka mer. Jag ville så gärna orka mer än jag orkade, jag fick redan avsäga mig ansvar etc, jag sade upp mig från extra jobb (som student), och la åt sidan allt som inte var det viktigaste. Det viktigaste för mig var att bli klar med sista året av studierna, sedan skulle vi ta ledigt ett år, jag och min pojkvän/nya sambo. Det gick till februari, efter att jag varit sjuk 3+5 veckor under hösten, värsta förkylningarna jag har haft på länge som inte riktigt ville ge med sig.

Över nyår åkte vi iväg på semester till Malta, för att jag skulle få en paus. Jag brukade behöva vilodagar 2-1 två aktiva dagar en vilodag, men nu hade det förvärrats 1-2, en aktiv dag innebar nu två hela vilodagar. Jag klarade inte av alla kurser från hösten, men skulle göra klart tentan senare, medan jag började sista halvåret, med att skriva min Kandidatexamensuppsats, på Engelska. 3 veckor in, hade jag redan varit sjuk 1.5 vecka.

Pojkvännen åkte hem till sin familj i några dagar, och då släppte det, då tog det stopp. Eftersom att jag var student ville läkaren inte bestämma åt mig om jag skulle sjukskrivas, men sa “hade du jobbat hade jag sjukskrivit dig på en gång”. Jag var tvungen att medge att jag ville så gärna bara få, som du skrev ”Jag är så fruktansvärt trött, jag har inga krafter kvar, jag måste få vila lite”.
Jag vilar fortfarande, och hoppas att kunna komma tillbaka till livet snart, men det är en lång resa.

På tal om utmattningsdepression, så är även denna text viktig läsning. Tankar Om Utmattning – Att leva med utmattningsdepression. Och att bli frisk igen

Downsizing

I knew it, but I forgot; I didn’t really forget, I just… Didn’t connect the dots. Now, they are connected. So, I know I need to focus on one thing at the time, but I’m an expert of trying to do 10 things at once, preferably yesterday.

The realization was that my computer time was not very focused, but rather that I didn’t know myself what I was doing most of the time. As we moved, and moved our stuff, computers and desks, I understood that having that extra monitor may be a huge distraction for me, and that I need to stop.

I decided to run a trial, and only have my main monitor, and remove the other one; combined with the smaller desk I have dedicated the desk area to only computer.

In my mind I wanted to have a larger desk, preferably a corner version so I could have my coloring books on the side. At the end of this trial I will decide between the smaller version or the larger version of a sit/stand desk.

Små steg, hela tiden.

Hjärnan är inte riktigt med, speciellt inte på engelska. Och jag hatar det. Men jag vill inte lägga energi på att hata det, så någonstans har jag fått ge in för det. Acceptera att jag inte kan prata ordentligt. Jag säger fel ord så ofta, och ibland i helt fel ordning. Men istället för att spänna mig och oroa mig när det blir fel i hjärnan fortsätter jag att prata, och går vidare från där.

Dessa ord är mycket repetition av förra inlägget. Repitition är en stor del av mina tankar just nu. Inte nödvändigtvis negativa cirklar dock, utan som ett verktyg för att börja om, skriva om. Gör om gör rätt, eller hur var det?

Min terapeut och jag kom fram till en typiskt bra grej (TM), jag bör inte söka mig ett karriärsyrke, någonsin. Just för att jag alltid vill för mycket, och jobbar mig själv sjuk. Så sakta men säkert har jag börjat planera för vad jag skulle kunna göra i framtiden, om jag någonsin blir frisk. Betvivlar att jag någonsin blir helt funktionell igen efter att jag drivit mig själv så långt och djupt ner i utmattning.

Snart får vi ett nytt hem, då kan jag börja på nya rutiner. Och repetera detta, over and over and over.

Taking responsibility for oneself

A little over a month ago, I took the step to start eating anti-depressants again, after 4 years of trudging along without them.
This is not something I want to hide, partly because I find that it can be helpful to others who need help (I am not saying that Medication is the ONLY solution!), and partly because I find it might be helpful for people to understand who I am (since we’re “friends” and all[this post was initially intended for Facebook, but as I couldn’t stop writing I am now posting it on my blog, publicly]).

I begun taking the medication because I had found myself, over and over again, with impulses that scared me, even if I had them under control. I was looking to save myself before the day came when I could not control said impulses. These always occurred together with PMS, I’m thinking that there might be a PMDD connection here. My mood swings would be insufferable, and some of you have had to suffer.

As I came to realize that I had found someone I was getting ready to spend a big part of my life with, I felt that it wasn’t fair to him (because apparently repelling friends due to mood-swings just didn’t get the message across for me) to have to suffer through this. The realization did not come immediately. I did actively try to become “a better person” for months and months, we always talked about it and we figured out some solution, and then BOOM the mood-swings were back. I would usually only get one week of “being normal”, maybe two weeks if I was very lucky, before it was back to roller-coaster hell with emotions and impulses.

I had thought about medication for months, and I made the decision. Yet, it took another few weeks, maybe even months, before I actually picked up the phone and got an appointment. But let me spare you the details of me dealing with the doctor.

I begun to eat medication, had 2 HORRIBLE weeks, crawling skin, restlessness, feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. Normal side-effects when you begin eating these types of medication. Then one day it was better, and I was back to being somewhat functional.

Last week my boyfriend visited for a few days, during PMS week. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada. No Mood-Swings. NO MOOD-SWINGS!! I was normal, happy, and I was never afraid that I’d just step out into the road in front of a fast moving car. The crazy was gone. The crazy IS gone! And I am happier for it.

Now, I want to finish this off by sharing a little secret: Part of me knew, for these 4 years, that I was much worse off without medication, but I just did not want to eat any so I kept trying to figure stuff out. I kinda regret it, but at the same time it was an experience, and I wouldn’t be where I am right now without it. Now I am sharing this knowledge with you.

Confusion

This url suggest that the blog should be written in Swedish. Men jag vet inte riktigt om det är vad jag vill. Neither do I know if I want to write in English. Därför kommer det vara obestämt för tillfället. Det viktiga för mig är att jag skriver igen.

But what  does one write about these days? It used to be political, politically bound. I’m still dedicated to the cause, but I require an outlet for my creative side.

Jag ser. Jag lyssnar. Jag känner. 

We’ll see where we end up.