Tag Archives: exhaustion

I got my health back

Yes, and no. It is partially true, and I notice improvements every day. I also notice where my limits are and take a step back, take a mental note and try to remember for next time to not make the same mistake again. But back to the good stuff, I got my health back!

On Monday I started school again, we had the same 2 introduction classes as last year (when I tried to start but ended up with sick-leave after 3 weeks). This detail is quite important, I attended more or less exactly the same thing twice but a year apart. There it was, black-on-white, I could compare what happened, how I felt, and what the rest of the week looked like.

Last year I came out of the two introductions completely exhausted, ready to pass out. The lunch break in between I had asked to sit quite separately from everything and everyone else with my friend, to get some quiet. I recall eating a lot of chocolate to get me through.

This year I came out of the two introductions surprised that I could come out of 4hrs worth of lectures and not be completely foggy. That I could come out of the first one and still be able to think. Over lunch I did avoid the loud cafeteria, but ate my food a little earlier and then took a 40min walk during lunch. I took time to practice the calm, because I had wound myself up a bit just before the lunch break. And I came home, still functional. And I cooked dinner.

The difference is so clear, that it scares me. I don’t think I’ve been feeling this okay at all since I started studying. Maybe at the beginning of the 2nd year, but I was still at a deficit. However, that summer I had gotten a good 4 weeks of rest and reset. But I wasn’t on the meds that I am now, so I was suffering from other issues.

I could’ve come out of this and talked about it earlier in the week, but just going through the rest of the week, getting to study my assigned days, getting through 2 assignments! Not even sitting with it last minute. As well as taking my break day on Wednesday. It just feels like all the pieces are falling into place.

Now, don’t get me wrong I can still get super exhausted if I don’t watch myself, currently I can allow myself to practice and find a way to live functionally. And I am still on part-time sick-leave (at least from the doctors side).
This whole experience also brings me back to 2009, when I was coming out of my long term sick-leave (3 years) and I met someone who had been in a similar situation, burning out. They showed me that I could come out of it, but that in order to do so I would have to find a regime that worked for me. That detail I wasn’t really ready for then, but I am now, and I’m doing it. So I’m incredibly grateful for having met them.

Coming back down to earth

I was high, so high. Up in the clouds, happy and energetic. I knew it wouldn’t last.

Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what happens when we come back down from the high. You and I wont be the same, but here’s my side.

It started two days ago, but I didn’t realize. I vented on Twitter, thought it was fine. I went from my happy day-time-mood. Where I’m functioning, and smiling. I took my naps like I should, so I wont crash. I didn’t crash. But at night it came crawling. The thoughts. Why can’t you do more. I have to take baby steps. I talk about it, I talk about it with pride, that I can take these small steps.

IT IS NOT FAST ENOUGH.

Small steps, moving me forward, or not actually moving me at all. Am I getting better? Stress running around inside of me.

I’m fine, it’s good. I’m getting better.

I take my naps, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I need to balance. on a ball. on a plank. BALANCE. One wrong step and …

… everything

falls

apart. Again

I recognized it.

It was ignored when I woke up.

Loud voices. My own. Words battling.

Last night anxiety visited me. I shared with twitter, but not with A. Why didn’t I? The anxiety, my old friend, familiar. I managed to calm down and sleep.

Did it boil? Yes, maybe. But today it burst. And when I began crying I couldn’t stop, and I was too exhausted to fight the bad voices. LOUD. SCREAMS. telling me: THE END IS NIGH. I had to hold my self, clench my fist. Stop myself, stop any possible action.

A, wanted to give me space. That was when it broke out. I couldn’t ask for help, I couldn’t talk. the same repetitive words spinning around and round inside my head. Clenching harder.
My sobs reached him. He came and comforted me.

How do you tell someone you love that your mind is SCREAMING at you that you should make him leave, so you can die in peace?

I came down from the high. I see a world in need, a world I want to help. But first I need to help myself, someone else has to save the world.

All this will be brought up with my doctor. Be comforted by the fact that I can talk about it.