All posts by Blogghoran

Permanently exhausted pigeon. Former politician. Learning to navigate exhaustion, race issues, patriarchy, colonialism, and disability. If you enjoyed any of these little article of musings, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over my patreon and check out the tiers there, $1 can go a long way! alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

Vi ska inte behöva…

Vi ska inte behöva diagnosera oss själva och peka med hela handen på alla symptom innan läkare tar oss på allvar.

Vi ska inte behöva gå till privatsjukvård för att få hypotyreos diagnoserat och behandlat.

Vi ska inte behöva gå till privatsjukvård för operation och hantering av lipödem.

Vi ska inte behöva vara friska för att klara av pappersarbetet som måste hanteras för att kunna vara sjuk.

Vi ska inte behöva bli bestraffade för att vi är sjuka.

Vi ska inte behöva känna oss som en belastning för samhället, när det är de stora skattesmitarna som är det riktiga problemet.

Vi ska inte behöva tigga till oss LSS-stöd.

Vi ska inte behöva köpa “knark” olagligt för att behandla vår smärta.

Vi ska inte behöva dö innan någon tar våra problem på allvar.

Vi ska inte behöva hamna på nyheterna för att få våra fall behandlade korrekt av Försäkringskassan.

Vi ska inte behöva bollas fram och tillbaka mellan Soc, Försäkringskassan och Arbetsförmedlingen för att ingen bär ansvaret för oss (i flesta av dessa fall är det Försäkringskassan som gör fel, det vet vi redan).

ALL OR NOTHING

I was always told that I was so talented, and gifted. This has had it’s drawbacks and negative affects on my mental health. I got to a point where I could not do anything, unless I was sure that I’d be able to do it as efficient as possible, or reach the best result.

There was no “At least you passed”. Anything below A, (VG/MVG in Swedish grades) was not acceptable to me. A lot of the time I ended up with nothing when I couldn’t reach those goals though.

one of the hardest things to learn as a depressed former Gifted Kid™ is that half-assed is better than nothing. take the 50%, 40%, even 20% job. scrubbing your face is better than not taking a shower at all. picking up your clothes is better than never cleaning. nibbIing on some bread is better than starving.
DO THINGS HALFWAY. NOW YOU’RE 100% BETTER OFF THAN YOU
WERE BEFORE.

written by banananonbinary (on Tumblr)

One of my college professors used to say “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” I didn’t understand that for years because I didn’t do anything poorly. I couldn’t do anything poorly. I had to Do Everything Perfectly.
But brushing your teeth for 30 seconds is better than not brushing them at all when that 2 minutes seems exhausting. Doing ten minutes of yoga is better than 10 minutes of sitting when 30 minutes of cardio sounds impossible. Changing my clothes is good when a whole shower is impossible. Standing on the porch for a few minutes is worth it after being in the house for three straight days because l don’t have the energy to go anywhere.
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it.

reply by redheadhatchet (on Tumblr)

The above quotes are quite indicative of how I used to be, and something I still struggle with. I had a conversation about this last night with someone, who needed to hear those words “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it”. And that reminded me to finish this blog post.

This is a post interrupted, but, I want to publish it, rather than not publishing it. As someone else can maybe feel seen, in their imperfections, and their struggles with perfectionism.


If you enjoyed this poetry, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over my patreon and check out the tiers there, $2 will be giving poetry straight into your inbox!
Alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

On Happiness and Chronic-Pain

I feel like there’s this assumption that if you live with chronic-pain you have to be miserable.

I feel like this assumption is put on us by abled-bodied people, as well as ourselves.

I feel like when I tell you that I’m in a lot of pain today, but I’m in a fantastic mood, you do not hear the second part.

I feel like as a society, we disregard the fact that both people with chronic-pain and depression (or other disabilities) can be happy.

While, the depression one can be tricky, but the thing about happiness is that it’s not a constant, it’s something that happens in bursts through your day, or your week, which makes you smile, or enjoy something you’re doing.

It can be when we have a great conversation with a new, or old, friend.

It can be when we get a response to that flirt we sent out, with a wink face.

It can be when our pet does something cute and silly.

It can be when the sun is shining and you just want to enjoy the day.

Even when you’re in pain

Even when you’re depressed

Even when you can’t walk

Even when you’re alone.


If you enjoyed this poetry, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over my patreon and check out the tiers there, $2 will be giving poetry straight into your inbox!
Alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

It took 7 days

Before we get started here is some background information. I have finally been starting to get diagnosed, with the help of a private rheumatologist. This has yielded not only answers, that I have hEDS, fibromyalgia, and hypothyroidism, but also some relief thanks to medication (for the thyroid in particular). It’s that relief that I want to talk about today.


Today was that day. It wasn’t the 3rd day, where I finally had something tangible to compare how I was feeling to. Nor the 4th day where I again marveled at the idea that I could go through a day and do things without being too tired. Definitely not the 5th day, where this newfound energy allowed me to even consider the possibility to have an active social life again. And absolutely not the 6th day, where I was starting to get really excited about meeting new people.

No, it took 7 days, 4 if you account for the fact that it took 3 days for anything to happen in the first place.

It took 7 days for my body to play catch-up, with my new-found energy, which I will have you know, that I have not been pushing boundaries with.

It took 7 days, for my body to tell me FUCK YOU. Because I did small things like two machines of laundry, went out and sat in the sun for an hour with a new friend.

It took 7 days, for my body to completely reject the idea that having an energetic life again would be possible.

It took 7 days, for me to be reminded how precious this energy that’s returned to me is, and how well I need to take care of my body to continue living a life.

It took 7 days, for me to write a real blog post about a health update, as it required me to get hit back down on my ass.

It took 7 days, and even with the pain in every joint in my hand and fingers, I needed to share this experience with you.

It took 7 days, 4 days if you account for the first 3 days where I didn’t notice anything yet, for me to realize that having more energy isn’t necessarily a blessing.

It took 7 days, to be reminded that I have not been blessed with a miracle.

It took 7 days, for me to know that I am about to meet an entirely new life, and that I’ve merely just begun this journey.


If you enjoyed this poetry, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over my patreon and check out the tiers there, $2 will be giving poetry straight into your inbox!
Alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

On being energetic

I’ve always been a pretty energetic person. Sunny disposition, optimist; shining when out and about.

This doesn’t directly reflect my inside, it’s probably quite the opposite. In order to be able to leave the house I would have to pump myself up, to be happy and energetic. I’d have to make sure I could exude this energy all day, or weekend if it was a conference or such. I did the same thing when I had a job, I also loved all the jobs I’ve had. But they’ve been short, because this kind of pumped up energy isn’t sustainable.

Today I’m at home, and the work I do is from home, the mere thought of working in an office is incredibly uncomfortable to me. I think it’s because I’ve eventually learnt that, as I said, that level of energy isn’t sustainable for me anymore. In the past I thought it was, but it isn’t.

If you wonder why you’re so energetic at work, but at 0 energy when you’re at home, maybe this will help you to think about. It may be worth looking at how to make going up work sustainable, instead of slowly burning yourself out.

Drafts—Journaling

I love em, and I hate em. You make so many of them because you have an idea you just have to jot down. And I fucking hate it.

I’m considering replacing drafting with just plain journaling, but I love writing by hand, which sometimes’ way too slow. I’ve also considered making use of my recorder again, a digital one I bought years ago, just before smartphones broke through…

I don’t think any of this will change, I do however want to squeeze in some time here and there to write, and maybe get somewhere with those drafts.

This makes me think about how fleeting digital journaling is, as we leave sites, where we used to write blog posts (Swedish people may recognize places such as Lunarstorm and Helgon), where I wrote a lot in my youth. Both those places are completely (at least my related accounts) gone now. I’m not sure if there’s any real loss in that, it’s just interesting.

I guess time will tell. That said, I’ve started publishing a bit on Medium, and I have a poetry/writing related Mastodon account now, you are very welcome to follow both of those. Not all posts will make it to Medium, and not everything writing related will make it off the draft/follow only stage on Mastodon. and I like to keep it that way.


Racism–A Swedish perspective

While I say a Swedish perspective, I only mean me, and my relationship with racism as a Swedish person.

After a lot of the recent days’ discussions (back in January) about race, racism, and whiteness got me thinking, especially since most of the conversation was from an American perspective. That perspective doesn’t apply to me, not entirely, but there’s an assumption that my relationship to my being white ought to be the same as an American white person. Now, I’m aware that whiteness and being white is two different things, as whiteness is an ideology about supremacy.

While this post intended to reflect on whiteness, I find that I didn’t do that this time, so I hope to follow up with another post when I get those thoughts back on track, here follows a post about racism and the n-word in Sweden:

First, I want to talk about one angle of the Swedish perspective, which is about the N-word. In the USA this word is a lot worse, because of its history there. Not because the rest of us don’t have racism, but because of how the word was used. This means that if you engage with people who are not from the USA they are unlikely to understand just how strong that negative connotation is, they might not understand why its a big no-no to say it.

In Swedish, in my experience, I’m still be able to talk about why we don’t say the N-word while saying the word. I’d be able to quote it as well. My friend disagreed with me on this point, that we’re moving towards dashing it out in Swedish too (N-ordet). In (US) American culture that’s a huge faux pas to say it in full, and understandably so. I believe even Trevor Noah, who’s from South Africa, says in Son of Patricia that in their culture the N-word doesn’t have the same affect as in America.

The point I’m trying to make here is that we need to take into account, in intercultural communication, am I speaking with someone from another culture? Would this word be harmful if uttered? Would this question carry negative connotations? We can’t always know until we experience it, or learn from someone else’s mistake.

What’s the Swedish history with the n-word? The Swedish equivalent was also used for people with dark skin, and we had also named a bakery goods after it which was a chocolate ball that we called “N-ball”. Some people (racists) are still upset with not being allowed to say that anymore, but honestly they are the ones being overly sensitive (as the argument goes), not the people who realized why changing it would be the better option, and continued just calling it chocolate balls.

Second, I’m very aware that I’ve been brought up and educated in order to uphold the status quo, but I didn’t really learn this awareness until just in the past year or two, and I’m 32. It’s not because I’ve been willing to uphold it, but rather that I’ve been fighting other battles and not really had any PoC around me online or offline who’ve ever been in a position to have a conversation about race with me. And no, this is not me saying someone should’ve educated me. It’s also strongly connected with, as Macintosh writes, “I was taught to see racism as individual acts of meanness, not systemic violence”. In those terms I was not racist.

As I learnt about systemic racism, and have come to accept that yes I’ve been, and still am, racist, and I’m starting to understand that in order to fight racism, being “nice” isn’t enough. Today I am working on being actively anti-racist, within my means. I know I can’t take every fight, but I’m working on taking more fights.

To continue on a point I mentioned above, I recently had a conversation with an old friend, and I said to her “Now that I’ve learnt to understand that racism isn’t individual acts of meanness, but a systemic problem…” and as I finish that word I see her jaw drop. What? “Yes, I know. I know. That’s how I felt too.” It is not within our frame of reference / knowledge that racism is systemic, because the system doesn’t want us to see it. So we have to help each other and teach each other that it’s more than that, if you’re white, it means teaching your white friends why racism is more than just being “mean”.

“From the (study of) psychology and through our own experiences we know how difficult it can be as a grownup to free ourselves from the values we’ve been taught as children. The way your own culture raised you will keep a grip on you through your entire life, even if it in some contexts lessens its grip”

Kulturgrammatik, Herlitz , page 44

Third, are Swedish people as a whole racist? Heck yes. I actually live in a region of Sweden which has the most people who vote of the Swedish democrats (our right wing party), but I live in the most multicultural city in all of Sweden. We experience a stark contrast here, which is interesting to reflect on and interesting to live in.

We are in fact, as I mentioned about my own experiences, so blinded to racism, that we don’t think we have it, just like we don’t talk about class, “there’s no class divide”, when in truth there is, in both cases.

We are the country which absolutely abhors certain types of jobs, and rather have other people immigrate to take those jobs (Finnish people did it, Polish people did it, etc etc.). And then complain about people immigrating and taking our jobs. No, you don’t want those jobs in the first place, which opens up a market for others to do them.

You can’t fight something before you know what it is and before you have words for it. Today I’m trying to help you find words for it, and I will finalize with this quote from another conversation today:

You may have been taught that racism is “individual acts of meanness”, it is not. Racism is systemic and a frame for oppression.

That feelings you’re having right now is not someone oppressing you. I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s not racism.

Racism occurs when there’s POWER behind actions, there isn’t when any oppressed group is kicking up.

Only way to be anti-racist is to actively acknowledge that you are racist and that you are benefiting from a racist system, and then begin to actively fight that systemic oppression.

What you have done thus far in this thread is show that you are indeed racist, and enjoying the benefits of your privilege, refusing to realize that when people talk about “white” and “whiteness” it isn’t about you, and it isn’t racism. You’re reacting to it by kicking up a storm, making it ABOUT YOU and your feelings.

Marie Axelsson, on Facebook 2019-02-16

Thank you for reading.


If you enjoyed this poetry, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over my patreon and check out the tiers there, $2 will be giving poetry straight into your inbox!
Alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

Project: Farmor – stories (un)told

This is a slightly edited, albeit early, version of the Project Proposal I made for the Creative Writing Project course I am taking this spring. The course is the equivalent of writing a BA Paper, but in Creative Writing.

If you’re curious about why I’m so obsessed with poetry this spring, this is why. While it wasn’t recommended to switch genre from the other courses to the project (I’ve taken Creative Writing I and Creative Writing II at Malmö University in the past), I argued that my circumstances are special, and that I find that poetry would best fit this project. My tutor instructed me to complement my studies with a crash-course in Poetry. Anyways. To the Project Proposal:


About one and a half years ago my grandmother passed away. About 10 years earlier she and I had begun a journey for me to write about her life. She suggested to me that I could use whatever stories she told me, and rebuild them, with my own creativity and make my own stories. She had always loved my story-telling.

After she died I spent a year wanting to write only things that were real, and exact, and a biography of her life. Then, I realized that there was an opportunity here to tell more stories than just my Grandmothers stories, while also telling hers.

After pondering, and reading other works, I landed on wanting to tell parts of her journey through poetry. And not just one type of poetry, but rather explore her life, while exploring poetry at the same time, and sharing stories that would’ve been untold otherwise. Each poem should stand on its own, while also being able to fit as a piece of a greater puzzle

This is the project I want to work on for this Creative Writing Project. Fictionalizing her life entirely did not feel right, but creating poetry out of it felt like the right way.

The goal will be to deliver a poem bi-weekly for publishing on a new website dedicated to that story [this part wont happen, explained why below], after a month starting off and preparing drafts and ideas and stories I want to find. I want to find stories by talking with more family members, to have them share a memory of her, and stories she’s told.

The end goal of this writing will be publishing a small collection titled “Farmor – Stories (un)told”


This draft was then revised, in order to fit the project proposal template. But there are a few things I want to add. Referring to poetry as stories may be misleading to some, but I believe that they always tell a story, give us a picture of something. Which is what I wish to do with this project.

Now, I want to remind everyone that since I am creating this for a course at University, and will get graded (and have it checked against urkund for plagiarism probably), I will not be posting any poetry here. Until after the course is complete, and even then I may end up with a separate website for it. I’m unsure at this point of time

Lastly, I have set up an account on the ‘verse specifically for talking about writing a little bit more. And if you want to follow me there, you’re welcome to.


If you enjoyed this poetry, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over my patreon and check out the tiers there, $2 will be giving poetry straight into your inbox!
Alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

Listen to your body

This is always going to be the hard part isn’t it. To listen to your body when there are things that you need to do, but you are in pain.

Today is one of those days, as you know yesterday I hurt my arm and now I’m sitting right here trying to decide between studying and writing an exam tomorrow, and resting so I can heal. I know what the the response should be, it should be resting. Yet here I am battling my own feelings and the pain, and the want to complete the exam tomorrow.

Every time I think that I’m doing a little bit better, I move my arm and I realize that I’m still in pain. I did call the Care Center this morning, no I cannot call the doctor. The Care Center told me that there’s nothing they can do because there’s nothing sticking out and nothing seems to be in the wrong place. They told me to just take a painkiller, well take full dose painkillers for a few days and hope it dies down. They also told me that they cannot give me any paper saying that I hurt myself so I cannot take the exam. I have a feeling that this will affect my student loan, I may not get one for the next term. However as soon as I catch up on the points that are missing it should be fine. But I’m missing things from more than one course so I’ll need to look at each assignment squeeze them in to get the points and then send the additional information when I send in my application.

Again I’m writing this blog post by speaking to my phone. It helps me get some thoughts out of my head, and it helps me accept that I should not try to do the exam tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn’t write this as a public post, maybe there’s a risk that I’ll get it held against me. But honestly I don’t really care. I want to share with you all because it just helps.

So it is with a heavy heart and a really heavy, painful arm that I’m going to admit to myself that I need to take tomorrow off. I have started to look and things that will help make my studying easier in the spring, so at least I got that going for me. It won’t help me right this moment but it does help to know that I to make everything a little bit easier for me in the future

I guess I could just keep talking with you forever, so weird. I never saw myself as a vlogger even though that idea appealed to me. This is kind of like vlogging but without the video and without the voice. I’m used to seeing my voice get turned into text on the screen. It’s kind of poetic when you think of it. And I like that I’m finding ways around my problems that I can still share ideas and thoughts with you guys on a day like this.

But now I’m going to rest, because I deserve it and I’ll just keep studying a little bit every day until the reexam.

Google voice typing

I’m going to try to write a blog post with voice. Basically I missed a step on the stairs today which meant that I pulled my arm and it’s now really really hurting and it’s my writing arm which means that I can’t write cuz it hurts.

I know that Google has the feature to write for me when I’m talking, so I’m trying that out today. I’ve been considering dictating blog posts in the past but it has just never come around to try it out so I guess today is a prime time to do so.

Even writing the full stops and the new lines is really helping me think about how I’m writing these sentences. I am however not comfortable knowing when to use a comma. I mean I know how to use a comma when I’m writing but remembering to say it the right way at the right time it’s not really the same thing as taking a deep breath to add that in your text. It is quite different.

I tried to ice my arm but it feels like it made it worse or it got worse because I iced my arm while reading so I was still holding the book which put a bit more strain on it. It’s very typical of me to try and rest but do things I shouldn’t do when I need to rest, oh well.

I think this turned out pretty well maybe I can do it again in the future sometime maybe sitting outside and watching The Birds getting some sun on my face while writing an interesting blog post. who knows, you will if you stay tuned. thank you for reading and see you next time, wait read next time.


Photo by Marie Axelsson (me), cc-by-sa.


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