Category Archives: Musings

Taking responsibility for oneself

A little over a month ago, I took the step to start eating anti-depressants again, after 4 years of trudging along without them.
This is not something I want to hide, partly because I find that it can be helpful to others who need help (I am not saying that Medication is the ONLY solution!), and partly because I find it might be helpful for people to understand who I am (since we’re “friends” and all[this post was initially intended for Facebook, but as I couldn’t stop writing I am now posting it on my blog, publicly]).

I begun taking the medication because I had found myself, over and over again, with impulses that scared me, even if I had them under control. I was looking to save myself before the day came when I could not control said impulses. These always occurred together with PMS, I’m thinking that there might be a PMDD connection here. My mood swings would be insufferable, and some of you have had to suffer.

As I came to realize that I had found someone I was getting ready to spend a big part of my life with, I felt that it wasn’t fair to him (because apparently repelling friends due to mood-swings just didn’t get the message across for me) to have to suffer through this. The realization did not come immediately. I did actively try to become “a better person” for months and months, we always talked about it and we figured out some solution, and then BOOM the mood-swings were back. I would usually only get one week of “being normal”, maybe two weeks if I was very lucky, before it was back to roller-coaster hell with emotions and impulses.

I had thought about medication for months, and I made the decision. Yet, it took another few weeks, maybe even months, before I actually picked up the phone and got an appointment. But let me spare you the details of me dealing with the doctor.

I begun to eat medication, had 2 HORRIBLE weeks, crawling skin, restlessness, feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. Normal side-effects when you begin eating these types of medication. Then one day it was better, and I was back to being somewhat functional.

Last week my boyfriend visited for a few days, during PMS week. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada. No Mood-Swings. NO MOOD-SWINGS!! I was normal, happy, and I was never afraid that I’d just step out into the road in front of a fast moving car. The crazy was gone. The crazy IS gone! And I am happier for it.

Now, I want to finish this off by sharing a little secret: Part of me knew, for these 4 years, that I was much worse off without medication, but I just did not want to eat any so I kept trying to figure stuff out. I kinda regret it, but at the same time it was an experience, and I wouldn’t be where I am right now without it. Now I am sharing this knowledge with you.

Confusion

This url suggest that the blog should be written in Swedish. Men jag vet inte riktigt om det är vad jag vill. Neither do I know if I want to write in English. Därför kommer det vara obestämt för tillfället. Det viktiga för mig är att jag skriver igen.

But what  does one write about these days? It used to be political, politically bound. I’m still dedicated to the cause, but I require an outlet for my creative side.

Jag ser. Jag lyssnar. Jag känner. 

We’ll see where we end up.