I was high, so high. Up in the clouds, happy and energetic. I knew it wouldn’t last.
Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what happens when we come back down from the high. You and I wont be the same, but here’s my side.
It started two days ago, but I didn’t realize. I vented on Twitter, thought it was fine. I went from my happy day-time-mood. Where I’m functioning, and smiling. I took my naps like I should, so I wont crash. I didn’t crash. But at night it came crawling. The thoughts. Why can’t you do more. I have to take baby steps. I talk about it, I talk about it with pride, that I can take these small steps.
IT IS NOT FAST ENOUGH.
Small steps, moving me forward, or not actually moving me at all. Am I getting better? Stress running around inside of me.
I’m fine, it’s good. I’m getting better.
I take my naps, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I need to balance. on a ball. on a plank. BALANCE. One wrong step and …
I recognized it.
Starting to come down from the high of moving. Getting back to feeling miserable in my exhaustion and inability to do stuff™.
— maloki (@kinkymal) August 31, 2016
It was ignored when I woke up.
Loud voices. My own. Words battling.
Last night anxiety visited me. I shared with twitter, but not with A. Why didn’t I? The anxiety, my old friend, familiar. I managed to calm down and sleep.
Did it boil? Yes, maybe. But today it burst. And when I began crying I couldn’t stop, and I was too exhausted to fight the bad voices. LOUD. SCREAMS. telling me: THE END IS NIGH. I had to hold my self, clench my fist. Stop myself, stop any possible action.
A, wanted to give me space. That was when it broke out. I couldn’t ask for help, I couldn’t talk. the same repetitive words spinning around and round inside my head. Clenching harder.
My sobs reached him. He came and comforted me.
How do you tell someone you love that your mind is SCREAMING at you that you should make him leave, so you can die in peace?
I came down from the high. I see a world in need, a world I want to help. But first I need to help myself, someone else has to save the world.
All this will be brought up with my doctor. Be comforted by the fact that I can talk about it.