Listen to your body

This is always going to be the hard part isn’t it. To listen to your body when there are things that you need to do, but you are in pain.

Today is one of those days, as you know yesterday I hurt my arm and now I’m sitting right here trying to decide between studying and writing an exam tomorrow, and resting so I can heal. I know what the the response should be, it should be resting. Yet here I am battling my own feelings and the pain, and the want to complete the exam tomorrow.

Every time I think that I’m doing a little bit better, I move my arm and I realize that I’m still in pain. I did call the Care Center this morning, no I cannot call the doctor. The Care Center told me that there’s nothing they can do because there’s nothing sticking out and nothing seems to be in the wrong place. They told me to just take a painkiller, well take full dose painkillers for a few days and hope it dies down. They also told me that they cannot give me any paper saying that I hurt myself so I cannot take the exam. I have a feeling that this will affect my student loan, I may not get one for the next term. However as soon as I catch up on the points that are missing it should be fine. But I’m missing things from more than one course so I’ll need to look at each assignment squeeze them in to get the points and then send the additional information when I send in my application.

Again I’m writing this blog post by speaking to my phone. It helps me get some thoughts out of my head, and it helps me accept that I should not try to do the exam tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn’t write this as a public post, maybe there’s a risk that I’ll get it held against me. But honestly I don’t really care. I want to share with you all because it just helps.

So it is with a heavy heart and a really heavy, painful arm that I’m going to admit to myself that I need to take tomorrow off. I have started to look and things that will help make my studying easier in the spring, so at least I got that going for me. It won’t help me right this moment but it does help to know that I to make everything a little bit easier for me in the future

I guess I could just keep talking with you forever, so weird. I never saw myself as a vlogger even though that idea appealed to me. This is kind of like vlogging but without the video and without the voice. I’m used to seeing my voice get turned into text on the screen. It’s kind of poetic when you think of it. And I like that I’m finding ways around my problems that I can still share ideas and thoughts with you guys on a day like this.

But now I’m going to rest, because I deserve it and I’ll just keep studying a little bit every day until the reexam.

Google voice typing

I’m going to try to write a blog post with voice. Basically I missed a step on the stairs today which meant that I pulled my arm and it’s now really really hurting and it’s my writing arm which means that I can’t write cuz it hurts.

I know that Google has the feature to write for me when I’m talking, so I’m trying that out today. I’ve been considering dictating blog posts in the past but it has just never come around to try it out so I guess today is a prime time to do so.

Even writing the full stops and the new lines is really helping me think about how I’m writing these sentences. I am however not comfortable knowing when to use a comma. I mean I know how to use a comma when I’m writing but remembering to say it the right way at the right time it’s not really the same thing as taking a deep breath to add that in your text. It is quite different.

I tried to ice my arm but it feels like it made it worse or it got worse because I iced my arm while reading so I was still holding the book which put a bit more strain on it. It’s very typical of me to try and rest but do things I shouldn’t do when I need to rest, oh well.

I think this turned out pretty well maybe I can do it again in the future sometime maybe sitting outside and watching The Birds getting some sun on my face while writing an interesting blog post. who knows, you will if you stay tuned. thank you for reading and see you next time, wait read next time.


Photo by Marie Axelsson (me), cc-by-sa.


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Mental health: Losing Time

I have lost a lot of time, both in the distant and more recent past.

I lost 3 years of my early 20s, as I got sick towards the end of my 19th year. I lost most of the year I turned 30, because I was in full time sickleave and I couldn’t speak or think properly for 6 months.

Since the first time, I’ve been occasionally better, I even worked for a while (a year, part time) and spent 4 years studying.

But I’ve also lost days, weeks and months at the time because my mind just shuts down. It’s a protective measure to keep me as healthy as possible, but it’s also exhausting. It’s exhausting because any time I think I have an ounce of energy I try to do those things I want to do, and my mind responds with shutting down.

It may seem like I’m here and active and social, but I also zone out and never really know what day or date it is. This is hazardous when trying to take medication to keep you balanced, trying to get your life back into order, or studying.

It affects my studying a lot as a week will have passed since we received our assignment to do in two weeks, which means that I will have to try and do it in half the time, which usually doesn’t work because my mind will shut down again if I try to push it.

Trying to work is a joke right now, that’s why I’m not trying, because I’d probably get really sick really fast. Yet there are projects which are close to my heart, and I like to get them going. Help them off the ground. But I can’t without it killing me, and I don’t want to feel like I’m dying again.

Yet here I am, feeling like I can’t go much further, and that the shut downs are getting worse. Now, everything up until this sentence was written a night when I was having a particularly bad PMS trip, and I’m not actually feeling like the shutdowns are getting a lot worse, they’re just not getting better.

I wanted to share with you all, so you can understand why it may seem like I disappear a lot, why I’m forgetful or don’t seem to have energy to plan anything. It’s also why I seem like I am a lot more talk than action. Losing time is one of the reason some actions don’t come to fruition for me, why some actions will take months or years.

This is why some projects can go very slow, because time kind of just fades away. However, this spring my goal is to be able to get a better grasp of the things I want to do, and make progress on them.

Thank you for reading.

Old Journals (for University)

Some courses have you keep journals, to examine your own thoughts and progress with the course. I think a lot more classes could benefit from doing things like that.

Today I found a 5 year old journal, from one of the first courses I took at University, which was Drama & Speech (but part of English Studies). What I want to do here today is share it in it’s entirety with you, as it was already digitized. Enjoy:

2013-09-03
First lesson. The goal of the lesson was how speech can improve with practice, but also daring to speak out loud. The first time you read a text it can be a bit uneasy, as you keep repeating it you get familiar with the text and get to know it. When you speak in front of a group or around people it’s very easy to get a bit quiet, especially at the end of the sentence.
We also got to try to open up our voices, with energetic exercises. It was interesting, even if the class as a whole still scares the shit out of me. Drama and public speaking has never been my strong suit, even if I still do the latter.
My weakness is definitely my own creative openness, I can be creative in my own time and alone but when around people with a set assignment and the premise of “Do this out loud right now” I really cramp up, and I just had to use my frustrations instead of a passion. I do however feel satisfied that I found an emotion to use. Something inside of me so I could take the first steps in this class to improve, and get through the class.
In a whole I feel the lesson helped me, even if just the slightest, to feel that I can speak in front of the group, my classmates without too much fear. For me this becomes a good first stepping stone to improving my future public speaking (I’ve held lectures and speeches in the past).
It could be very easy to attempt to avoid certain exercises because I would tell myself that I don’t need them. The lesson really helped me enhance the feeling that I will continue going in head first to these lessons to keep improving my speech capabilities.

2013-09-09
Today’s lesson was focused on breathing and trying to make sound come out of us. Focusing your breath, feeling where the sound came from and where it ended up. Which muscles do we use, and what difference does it make for how sound come out.
We received a vocal warm up exercise sheet which we should aim to do a few times a week.
In class today I almost started crying, I had to face fears about my voice that I never got help with confronting when I was younger. I used to be in various choirs, and on occasion they would tell us that we need to feel it in the stomach, I never did and no one ever helped me with it. The exercises and information we went through today definitely helped me face that fear, and was much more rewarding than any song teacher or choir I’ve ever been in. It strengthens me that I got to face this fear today, and it encourages me to keep working towards becoming a better public speaker.
I definitely still find a weakness in my own fears, but I see myself working through them each and every lesson we have.
My own ultimate goal is still to just generally become a better speaker, be able to talk so people can hear me, and hopefully listen. These lessons are definitely one step in the right direction, and it reminded me about a lot of other exercises that are generally good for body knowledge. Partly I need to work on more exercises like the warm ups, and feel “it” in my stomach, and partly I need to work to fight my own fears.

2013-09-16
Todays class had two big focuses. After having had a lecture, which covered a lot of breathing / vocal warm up as well as the rhetoric aspect of speech and to some extent drama, we continued with a few extra breathing exercises. The “elevator” breathing exercise had a huge focus on relaxing. For me most of these exercises come with a lot of tension, and fears. Most of it is irrational, I know that, and I have yet to figure out where all of it stems from, but each time I fight it I am getting a bit closer towards the answers that I need to develop further. The elevator made me relax my face (especially) so much that it caused both aches and nausea. This is due to that I’m always so tense so when I finally relax it makes me sick. In turn that makes it harder for me to actually engage in these types of exercises. I know that for the future these breathing exercises, even if I won’t use all of them, will come in handy. Similar to what I’m experiencing with all the years of different types of therapy, there’s lessons from all of it that I draw upon once in a while. The most important thing for me right now however is to get a lot more comfortable with it.
Before the breathing exercise we were shown a few exercises we can use to make it easier for us to memorize and work with our lines for the Dramatic reading. By using physical movement and activities together with reading the lines we’ll easier bind the lines of text into our head, rather than just walking back and forth, or worse sitting down in the sofa.
I do know that I will need all the help I can get with memorizing my lines, but right now I feel very confident that I will manage to remember them.

2013-09-23
Today we worked on emphasis as a means to learn a text. In this case we chose words referring to one or more people, or in some cases an important object to the story to emphasise. Using the technique we learned to dissect a text and figure out what we were actually saying. Who is this “they” referring to? The women we just talked about or the men? Were the living people referring to women as well, as was the remains after the men’s actions.
When speaking a part, or any text you need to know what you’re saying, not only learning the words.

2013-09-30
Speaking loudly and clearly, to be overheard while others next to you are also speaking. Grouped together with one other person having the to keep eye contact in order to make it easier to hear.
Articulation. Good deep breath.
We walked around in the room, all of us reading lines at the same time attempting to out speak the others, by being clear and articulate.
I learned that I’ve got a good base to build on, but I can definitely improve my articulation. I will do a worse job while I’m tired, exhausted or stressed. I’ll be out of breath before it starts under those circumstances.

2013-10-07
Rehearsal 1
This was the only rehearsal I made it to. It was a chance for us to perform the whole thing in front of someone, and be accountable for it. No messing around. This made all the difference. When it’s only the group working together a lot of giggling and silliness will occur, often more than once per run through of the play.
The weeks leading up to this I’ve been under a lot of stress, and I realized that the more stressed out I am the harder it is for me to remember my lines. Lines that had previously been fully in my head were now slowly falling away from memory. Luckily I could make the best out of having the play in my hands.

2013-10-21
The Performance
We finally reached the day of the performance. Even if I had yet to learn all the lines, due to a lot of stress, I figured out how to improve that area for the future. I ended up mostly rehearsing the lines during the sessions we had with the group, rather than reading them through over and over trying to repeat them without the paper at home, which was something I should have done to make them stick. I did do that in the beginning with Scene 10, and it stuck since then, those were the parts I knew the best. Even if it can sound obvious, it is something I learned and that I will have to keep reminding myself about.
Through the course I’ve learned that picking a piece of text apart, if you have the time, is a good tool. Figuring out what each piece is referring to, what it means and who it’s directed to. In this case you also got some space to play around with it, use the “Who Am I Speaking To” as a part of your performance.
I learned that getting outside of your comfort zone with a bit of drama can help you a lot in the future. Now I am less afraid, even if I will shake like a leaf, to take on and get up on a stage to talk in front of people or read something highly personal (like we ended up doing in the Personal Life Writing lecture later the same week as the performance).
When you pick apart a text there’s nuances you’ll find that might be missed otherwise. A piece of the text which is referring to the same object over and over, will get more meaning if you look over what it is trying to say. When it has more meaning to you it will be easier for you to express that meaning while reading it aloud. Much similar to the one line about “the point” read by S- B in my group.
Take the time to breath, I knew this since before and with the performance I got the time to re use it. If you plan your text properly you can of course use breathing and artistic pauses to help you get through your nervousness, or in my case you will just have to make due with what you got and add them in as you go and make it work.

As a whole this class has given me increased confidence in myself, and the fact that I can make myself heard if I need to thanks to some of the exercises. I know now how to prepare and plan for any presentation to make it more successful than in the past.
Thank you -.

Ages of Change

Dear friends who are 30 and over, what have you enjoyed about your current age? (30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s etc.)

For me my late 20s and early 30s were revolutionary. Simply because I lost the ability to speak, think, write and a lot of memories. My mind shut down and I had some catching up to do, with rest. I had to reboot so to speak.

I lost a lot of memories, mostly about arguments which were pointless. I gained perspective about what’s important to me. And because I’m not fully well yet, I’m still looking at life quite differently. I can’t put exact words to it, I will try though.

Losing memories meant that I wasn’t holding a lot of grudges anymore, and that liberated me entirely. I got a chance to restart with people who wanted to (mostly if they came to me, because I wouldn’t really remember). I could sometimes remember the events, but not the people involved. Which was… Strange, but I got through it.

I found solace in not holding grudges though, and I still forget a lot of stuff, which means if we have a fallout I’m likely to forget. The details at least, which also can be detrimental. I get that. But for my own mental health, it works. It helps me let go and move on. I get that’s not always possible for everyone…

I’ve also learnt that we have to take on our struggles and battles differently. Just because it works for me, doesn’t mean it will work for someone else. Yes, I do preach forgiveness a lot. Because it’s right for me, and liberating. I try to preach less though, since I know it’s not right for everyone, as I already said. Processing hurt, and struggles is going to be different for everyone, which is also something I’ve come to understand.

I’m only 3 years into my 30s, and even if it’s been a struggle it’s also been a hell of a ride, which I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Have you learnt something about yourself?

Did your life change somehow?


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Featured image: Change, by Nick Youngson CC BY-SA 

Writing and stuff in the New Year

Stuff, such a good word.

This year I have a few things I want to do, one of them is write more. So here I am, on Jan 1st, writing.

I asked the community on #amWriting if they wanted to help support each other, and so many people chimed in. With both big and small writing projects. Some want to write whole novels, some just a few lines every day.

As most of you know I’m baby stepping through a lot of things in my life, so my writing will be both on here and for uni, because I can’t max out in writing everywhere. But that’s fine. I’m learning my limits and working to live within them in a healthy way, and sometimes stretching them, but that’s a post for another day.

The way this blog has worked in the past year is to mostly contain my musings, which haven’t been written down too often. I’m looking at a new routine to squeeze in writing. Basically a small session after breakfast, while having had breakfast with reading. The good thing about this combo is that reading can trigger thoughts, and I can write them down.

There are other things that I want to write this year, one is my Creative Writing Project for university (basically a BA in creative writing). I’ve decided on what I want to write and it’s going to be poetry, about my grandmother. I’ve shared my project statement draft on patreon, for patrons only, as I don’t want to get in trouble with class if I share too early.

Me and Loa are also looking into doing more with our gaming blog / channels. While he is focusing on video, I want to keep writing and probably do small reviews of games I play this year. That blog has been stagnant since I moved it to a new host, a year ago. We’ve not even updated the theme to something other than default.

What are you writing this year?