New Year, New Chaos

I want to pretend like I usually don’t do it, but I think the problem is I do it all year around: Trying to do all the things.

So new year came around, and I have so many plans, so much I want to get done this year. And this month I’m doing a course that’s taking a lot of my brain power, and yet I still want to try to do ALL THE OTHER things at the same time.

I need to allow myself space to just focus on the course I’m taking. Focus on the reflection that will come after each session. It’s an Anti-racist Classroom, and there’s so much that boils up to the surface after each session, much more than I expected. Yet I want to keep writing, but I am writing the reflections, and I forget. So I try to keep doing the normal writing, like this but I guess this is different because it’s on my mind.

I want to start a newsletter, more news on that some later time, but the response thus far is good. It wont be published more often than every two weeks, but also it may be published more seldom, because I am really bad at doing things on a schedule for extended periods of time.

What would that newsletter be about? Everything probably. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. But a focus on adhd / autism, and disability and queer stuff. Because even though I live with a partner of the opposite sex, I am still queer as fuck.

Anyways, I need to calm myself down and not try to do 50 other things in January than I already am doing. See you in February hopefully.

When your community closes ranks around you to protect you

Content Warnings: Fatphobia, body-shaming, trauma, unsolicited advice (not given but referred to)

Something I did not have on my January of 2022 bingo cards was my community to so fiercely protect me as they did today. I want to cry happy tears about it, but I figured that channeling these emotions into writing is a better thing to do with my time and energy today.

I’ve slowly, over the past few months, been opening up more and more about my trauma. Realizing I have trauma, trying to discern what that trauma is, etc. And today I discovered one piece, so I posted about it online, as one does.

I’ve always been an over-sharer, so when the response I got from one person was that I should just lose weight to lose the trauma held in my body fat storages (paraphrasing), I thought I only had myself to blame for opening up to the possibility of such an attack. But, I knew that I was in a good community, a community that would keep me safe if they saw something wrong with the interaction.

I naturally reported it to my own server, but I also knew that the server that account was on, for the most part was a good place, and that they’d listen to my concern, so I forwarded the report. (This is a mastodon/fediverse thing, so similar to twitter, but people run their own servers).

I also sent a DM to one of the mods on my server, with an extra link to the account, where I also saw their reaction to me blocking them. It wasn’t a good reaction. They inferred things that just wasn’t part of the conversation (like I was popping pills to deal with my trauma, I don’t even know where they got that from). And they (my mod) reached out to the admin on the other server, because they had the same feeling as I did, that this is usually a good place.

The response, from both of these moderators astounded me. I was not prepared to have my friends and community close rank around me to protect me the way they did today. I kept telling them I was about to cry from their response, in the best of ways, but that I couldn’t cry. But now, as I’m recounting this I’m crying. Because I feel so loved and protected.

Talking about trauma is hard, and it’s a journey that I will keep having to tread. I will keep having rough times when sharing so publicly about it. And some people will tell me I’m over-reacting, and I’m almost always going to expect that I’m over-reacting, because I’ve been told my entire life that that’s what I’m doing. I even reported this incident with a wary like “I dunno how bad this is, but I feel uncomfortable”. I did not expect anyone to confirm my feelings or even follow up with such a strong response.

Fatphobia is everywhere. And trauma is everywhere. Waltzing into someone’s mentions to give them unsolicited advice about weight-loss is a bad idea at the best of times, but doing it while they are writing about their trauma, behind a content warning, is just…. tasteless.

I think I have a lot of unprocessed trauma around community too, and how often when I noticed something and reported on it in the past, no one saw what I saw. This happened at school, at university, in guilds etc. Or if someone saw it they wouldn’t say a word. No one ever had my back, I always had everyone’s back to my own demise. So, on a day like today, when so many people showed up for me, there’s nothing else I can do but sit here and cry from how touched and happy I am to be here with you all.

Thank you so much for being in a community with me. I love you with all my heart <3