Category Archives: health update

It took 7 days

Before we get started here is some background information. I have finally been starting to get diagnosed, with the help of a private rheumatologist. This has yielded not only answers, that I have hEDS, fibromyalgia, and hypothyroidism, but also some relief thanks to medication (for the thyroid in particular). It’s that relief that I want to talk about today.


Today was that day. It wasn’t the 3rd day, where I finally had something tangible to compare how I was feeling to. Nor the 4th day where I again marveled at the idea that I could go through a day and do things without being too tired. Definitely not the 5th day, where this newfound energy allowed me to even consider the possibility to have an active social life again. And absolutely not the 6th day, where I was starting to get really excited about meeting new people.

No, it took 7 days, 4 if you account for the fact that it took 3 days for anything to happen in the first place.

It took 7 days for my body to play catch-up, with my new-found energy, which I will have you know, that I have not been pushing boundaries with.

It took 7 days, for my body to tell me FUCK YOU. Because I did small things like two machines of laundry, went out and sat in the sun for an hour with a new friend.

It took 7 days, for my body to completely reject the idea that having an energetic life again would be possible.

It took 7 days, for me to be reminded how precious this energy that’s returned to me is, and how well I need to take care of my body to continue living a life.

It took 7 days, for me to write a real blog post about a health update, as it required me to get hit back down on my ass.

It took 7 days, and even with the pain in every joint in my hand and fingers, I needed to share this experience with you.

It took 7 days, 4 days if you account for the first 3 days where I didn’t notice anything yet, for me to realize that having more energy isn’t necessarily a blessing.

It took 7 days, to be reminded that I have not been blessed with a miracle.

It took 7 days, for me to know that I am about to meet an entirely new life, and that I’ve merely just begun this journey.


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Google voice typing

I’m going to try to write a blog post with voice. Basically I missed a step on the stairs today which meant that I pulled my arm and it’s now really really hurting and it’s my writing arm which means that I can’t write cuz it hurts.

I know that Google has the feature to write for me when I’m talking, so I’m trying that out today. I’ve been considering dictating blog posts in the past but it has just never come around to try it out so I guess today is a prime time to do so.

Even writing the full stops and the new lines is really helping me think about how I’m writing these sentences. I am however not comfortable knowing when to use a comma. I mean I know how to use a comma when I’m writing but remembering to say it the right way at the right time it’s not really the same thing as taking a deep breath to add that in your text. It is quite different.

I tried to ice my arm but it feels like it made it worse or it got worse because I iced my arm while reading so I was still holding the book which put a bit more strain on it. It’s very typical of me to try and rest but do things I shouldn’t do when I need to rest, oh well.

I think this turned out pretty well maybe I can do it again in the future sometime maybe sitting outside and watching The Birds getting some sun on my face while writing an interesting blog post. who knows, you will if you stay tuned. thank you for reading and see you next time, wait read next time.


Photo by Marie Axelsson (me), cc-by-sa.


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Mental health: Losing Time

I have lost a lot of time, both in the distant and more recent past.

I lost 3 years of my early 20s, as I got sick towards the end of my 19th year. I lost most of the year I turned 30, because I was in full time sickleave and I couldn’t speak or think properly for 6 months.

Since the first time, I’ve been occasionally better, I even worked for a while (a year, part time) and spent 4 years studying.

But I’ve also lost days, weeks and months at the time because my mind just shuts down. It’s a protective measure to keep me as healthy as possible, but it’s also exhausting. It’s exhausting because any time I think I have an ounce of energy I try to do those things I want to do, and my mind responds with shutting down.

It may seem like I’m here and active and social, but I also zone out and never really know what day or date it is. This is hazardous when trying to take medication to keep you balanced, trying to get your life back into order, or studying.

It affects my studying a lot as a week will have passed since we received our assignment to do in two weeks, which means that I will have to try and do it in half the time, which usually doesn’t work because my mind will shut down again if I try to push it.

Trying to work is a joke right now, that’s why I’m not trying, because I’d probably get really sick really fast. Yet there are projects which are close to my heart, and I like to get them going. Help them off the ground. But I can’t without it killing me, and I don’t want to feel like I’m dying again.

Yet here I am, feeling like I can’t go much further, and that the shut downs are getting worse. Now, everything up until this sentence was written a night when I was having a particularly bad PMS trip, and I’m not actually feeling like the shutdowns are getting a lot worse, they’re just not getting better.

I wanted to share with you all, so you can understand why it may seem like I disappear a lot, why I’m forgetful or don’t seem to have energy to plan anything. It’s also why I seem like I am a lot more talk than action. Losing time is one of the reason some actions don’t come to fruition for me, why some actions will take months or years.

This is why some projects can go very slow, because time kind of just fades away. However, this spring my goal is to be able to get a better grasp of the things I want to do, and make progress on them.

Thank you for reading.

First week of work

I’ve been working with my new job for a week. This is the first day that I’m taking a real day off. I tried om Saturday, but I had fires to extinguish. 

I slept 14hrs, and woke up around 13.00. Sleeping this much reminded me that I’ve been neglecting my naps and rest time. I’ll elaborate on this, just have to go through a few other things first. 

Yesterday my live-in boyfriend pointed out that I have been working a lot more than I’ve clocked. Which made me realize that I need to compartmentalize my work more. 

So these things connect, obviously. I need to delineate what my work entails, so I focus on that during my work time. While doing so I also need to delineate my work time as well not just clock in when I’m already doing work my accident. 

This will free me up from stress, because this is my work box [work], this box entails (these chores). Then outside that box I chill and focus on my studying for that designated time. And take my god damn naps! 

My studies,  I’ve already compartmentalized, which has helped me a lot in staying healthy. Basically I’m just borrowing from what I learnt when I started school again in January, after a year sick-leave. 

Maybe I’ll do more updates like this! 

For reference, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which makes getting a job scary and exciting at the same time. 

Out of the Closet: I’m Fat

I have not just temporarily gained some weight, which I’m going to lose soon again. I mean, yes that may happen, but it is not sustainable from a mental health point of view to continue waiting for myself to have enough energy to “deal with my weight”.

here’s a short snippet from my twitter which kinda sums it up:

there it is, I’m fat. I admit it. I come out, if you so will. And I accept it.

the only way for me to be healthy mentally and physically is to accept myself just the way I am right now.

I got my health back

Yes, and no. It is partially true, and I notice improvements every day. I also notice where my limits are and take a step back, take a mental note and try to remember for next time to not make the same mistake again. But back to the good stuff, I got my health back!

On Monday I started school again, we had the same 2 introduction classes as last year (when I tried to start but ended up with sick-leave after 3 weeks). This detail is quite important, I attended more or less exactly the same thing twice but a year apart. There it was, black-on-white, I could compare what happened, how I felt, and what the rest of the week looked like.

Last year I came out of the two introductions completely exhausted, ready to pass out. The lunch break in between I had asked to sit quite separately from everything and everyone else with my friend, to get some quiet. I recall eating a lot of chocolate to get me through.

This year I came out of the two introductions surprised that I could come out of 4hrs worth of lectures and not be completely foggy. That I could come out of the first one and still be able to think. Over lunch I did avoid the loud cafeteria, but ate my food a little earlier and then took a 40min walk during lunch. I took time to practice the calm, because I had wound myself up a bit just before the lunch break. And I came home, still functional. And I cooked dinner.

The difference is so clear, that it scares me. I don’t think I’ve been feeling this okay at all since I started studying. Maybe at the beginning of the 2nd year, but I was still at a deficit. However, that summer I had gotten a good 4 weeks of rest and reset. But I wasn’t on the meds that I am now, so I was suffering from other issues.

I could’ve come out of this and talked about it earlier in the week, but just going through the rest of the week, getting to study my assigned days, getting through 2 assignments! Not even sitting with it last minute. As well as taking my break day on Wednesday. It just feels like all the pieces are falling into place.

Now, don’t get me wrong I can still get super exhausted if I don’t watch myself, currently I can allow myself to practice and find a way to live functionally. And I am still on part-time sick-leave (at least from the doctors side).
This whole experience also brings me back to 2009, when I was coming out of my long term sick-leave (3 years) and I met someone who had been in a similar situation, burning out. They showed me that I could come out of it, but that in order to do so I would have to find a regime that worked for me. That detail I wasn’t really ready for then, but I am now, and I’m doing it. So I’m incredibly grateful for having met them.