Category Archives: Rant

health update, Rant

Health & Diet culture

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Within the first two months of mine and my partner’s relationship, I ended up with some severe stomach issues. I was nauseous and just feeling completely drained most of the time, especially after I ate. And if it wasn’t that it was severe bouts with IBS. It took me a while to understand that it had to do with my stomach as such, and I did see a doctor about it after another few months.

By the time I got to see the doctor, I’d already started to figure out things to help me feel less horrible, and I remember this question quite vividly: “Have you lost a lot of weight recently?”, and my response was “Yes, but it was intentional, so I don’t think it’s a big deal”, and my doctor took this answer as “there’s no underlying cause that’s making it hard for you to eat, so you’re losing a lot of weight”. When in truth, wasn’t me limiting myself in what I ate, so I wouldn’t feel sick all the time, my health causing me to lose weight?

When I think back on it now it seems more than clear, obvious even, that that was the case. I was clearly not healthy, my stomach problems were causing me to lose weight, but I was proud of losing weight at the time. I was like “omg, finally I’m able to lose weight, and look it’s so easy, you just eat less”. When in reality, I couldn’t eat more. If I ate more I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t study, and being at university at the time meant that I needed to be able to study. I couldn’t do chores, living in student housing and sharing a kitchen with people meant I needed to be able to do chores. So the best option was to cut out all the things I couldn’t eat, that made my stomach issues worse.

Long term I also didn’t continue taking the stomach meds from my doctor, because they were exasperating the underlying problems, by unbalancing my stomach acids even more. Can I prove this? No, but it seems to be fairly common knowledge, these days, that omeprazole and lansoprazole has that effect. There is a long-term negative to being treated.

Would a doctor tell me to drink a glass of apple cider vinegar (diluted appropriately ofc) in the morning every day? Would a doctor be able tell me that an apple a day, or as an inbetween snack, not even a whole one, but just cut in tiny pieces and eating them when you can/need to, will actually help you feel better long term? One doctor was able to tell me that bananas could help with my stomach issues, specifically green ones, before i take my meds in the morning. And you know what, it did help. And the apples and apple cider vinegar did too. They are still my go to. And overcooked rice with overcooked vegetables.

Yet, I find myself today, thinking about that other doctor, who took me at my word that me losing weight was intentional. And therefore there didn’t seem to be anything clearly wrong with me, so we didn’t continue investigating my issues, and I still have them today, 7 years later. I never got any diagnosis.

The issues come and go, and if I get back on my “bad food” for too long, or too many times in a week, often I’ll think “Huh, I have been drinking a lot of coffee lately, and I feel fine, odd. let’s take another cup of coffee”, instead of not taking that next cup.

Yes, I’m sharing this because I’m struggling with my stomach again, and being reminded about me eating less. Back then, with me not having money to cover food, eating less was a blessing in so many ways, and the fact that I also lost weight at the same time. I mean that’s the trifecta right?

I have a fucked up relationship with food, disordered eating is a daily thing. Battling the world of diet culture is fucking heck. Being body positive while also wanting to lose weight, or needing to eat less, is hard. How do I reconcile those things together? In ways they seem like antonyms.

Health at every size. Maybe health looks different for different people. Maybe in some cases health means eating less, and in some cases it means eating more. Maybe re-balancing yourself, and finding what works for you and your body is what we need to think about.

And as a thank you, while writing this post my stomach sent me to the bathroom with IBS (I realize it’s not the stomach, with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but it always feels like it just as well could’ve been). Probably because one of the things I just had for dinner set me off. Thanks body.

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Musings, Rant

Why did this fictional story line fuck with me so badly?

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This blog post will contain spoilers from Grey’s Anatomy up until season 16. If you haven’t watched it yet but intend to, I’d recommend you not continue reading here. That said, if you’d want to know what to prepare yourself for, there may be reason to continue reading.

Content Warnings

character: deaths, breakups, divorce, children, cancer.

non-character (real): possible death, covid-19, lockdown

I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy pretty much since it started, but the past few years (quite a few years) I’ve not been watching it regularly, but I will catch up once in a while. Recently however YouTube began recommending me clips from the show, and I knew if I began watching them it would start recommending me clips from episodes I haven’t seen yet. Even knowing this I watched a few, which I knew I’d seen, and then down the rabbit hole I went.

Eventually I began seeing clips from more recent episodes. I knew that the series had come up to season 16 (and now 17), and that a lot have happened. I knew that Derek had died but I hadn’t seen how. Which means I haven’t seen season 11 in full. I had however seen Christina Yang leave, at the end of season 10, but I don’t know if I actually had registered it as her leaving permanently.

I was enjoying watching clips, reminding me of the powerful episodes that really stuck with me, that would always make me cry, and that would make me cry more than I think I’ve ever cried to any shows. I used to use the show as my wind-down on Friday’s while I was still on sickleave, but training to leave the house regularly. It helped me cry and let out any stress that built up over the week. And me watching these clips this week was helping me do just that (it’s surprisingly stressful to move during a pandemic, and the 3rd lockdown in England).

I got to see two of my favorite broken characters not only get together (which I had seen on the show), but also get married, as the clips showed me. And here is where it took a really bad turn for me. So many times Alex Karev had said to Jo (Wilson) that he wouldn’t leave her. When I saw the clip of them finally getting married, my heart sang. They were growing together, and becoming stronger and better people together.

Alex’s development had partially started in earlier seasons with the help of Izzie Stevens. But she had left him in the most heartbreaking of ways, without saying goodbye, she had just left him a letter and gone away. He had later told her, that he didn’t deserve someone who’d leave him like that. And he was right, he deserved better.

So that brings us up to the dreaded 16×16 episode. We find out that Alex has left, for real. He was “missing” kind of, not where he was supposed to be. And his friends and wife get a letter each, explaining what happened and why he was gone. And it just hurt so deeply.

While I understand why they kind of had to go with it creatively, with Justin Chambers leaving the show abruptly, emotionally I’m reeling. It just pierced me with the reality that even when you think a relationship is good, and strong, and even fortified against any kind of disruption. Even when you know you would communicate about your issues to try and fix it, you could get hit by something completely unexpected.

In the story line there are somethings which makes it kind of make sense. There are children involved, children that Karev didn’t know about when he married Jo. Children made with frozen fertilized embryos he and Stevens had saved when she was going through radical cancer treatment. Embryos he had released to Izzie some seasons earlier. Karev brings this up in his letters.

A part of his letter that really bothers me is this part: “It was like no time had passed when we started talking again” (paraphrased). Because the last time they saw each other wasn’t necessarily a good time, it wasn’t a time where they were happy and in a good relationship. I understand what they were trying to go for where, when trying to salvage the actor leaving so abruptly. I also went to do some digging, what was his actual last scene, and yeah. It was tame, it was him reading out letters in court.

I guess in a way, this was not just Alex Karev leaving his wife, but also Justin Chambers leaving Grey’s Anatomy. “There’s no good way to say goodbye.” When that goodbye is happening on short notice because your priorities changed, and you want to go elsewhere, you may end up in this kind of a situation. Chambers has been on the show for 15 years. And it’s understandable that he wanted to go out and spread his wings and get a chance to get new opportunities.

I am pondering if it stung me harder because of the stress in my own life right now. Big life changes, me and my partner are moving into our first house together. Our own house. And the stress of moving, combined with the current pandemic, and feeling like a lot of things are out of my control, and I just have to keep swimming in order to stay alive. The thought that I can do everything right and everything can change by the drop of a hat is incredibly painful.

This isn’t revealing any hidden emotions or thoughts about a possible ending of my current relationship. But rather just reminding me that anything can happen, especially right now. Either of us could die, either from Covid-19 or something else.

I did not think I would write a whole blog post about this, but it kept stirring in my head, and I kept crying to various clips and montages relating to this particular episode, and some other heart-wrenching episodes. I just needed to put it into words.

Tell me about something in a story that struck you a lot harder and deeper than you had expected it to?

If you enjoyed this piece of writing, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over to my Ko-fi or my Liberapay and throw me a little coin.
Alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

Musings, Rant

On De-radicalization, and who can safely do it

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It has been a recurring theme lately, that every time someone decides to block an instance that’s harbouring racists, Nazis, far-right (whichever title you prefer), where “freeze peaches” come to their defense. These are people who put Free Speech of SOME people higher than anything else, instead of viewing it from the holistic perspective of who does this “free speech” oppresses or kills by extension? Note that their first thought is to defend Nazis, not to defend the people under attack by Nazis.

“They want me dead. I can’t speak at all if I’m dead. So they’re not REALLY in favor of free speech, they just don’t want to have to acknowledge that other people’s views are valid.”

The argument eventually comes down to “But they have to keep interacting with you, even if they want to kill you, so that YOU can work to de-radicalize them”… 

Just let these words sit in your mouth for a bit. 

You’re asking people who are hounded, assaulted, killed, to do the work to de-radicalize the people who want to kill them. You’re not asking yourself “what can I do to help de-radicalize them, while this vulnerable group of people protects itself?” This is always where we end up, you tell the most vulnerable: Why don’t you just de-radicalize them. Why don’t you, who are fearing for your life just debate your existence and right to exist to these people? Why don’t you?

And yeah, that’s the question isn’t it? Why don’t you, if you’re a man, probably cisgender, most definitely white (or feel like you’re at least not not-white), and heterosexual, why don’t you put in the labour to de-radicalize these people who are constantly attacking the people who are everything that you are not? Why don’t you take the time to sit down and talk with them and untag us from that conversation? Who don’t you protect us?

You are the only person for whom it’s safe to have this conversation, for whom it’s safe to actively work towards helping us. And it doesn’t have to be helping everyone, it can just be one person at the time. Or simply decide that every time you see someone in your group of peers being attacked by these people you donate $1 to Life after Hate to help them do the work they are doing to de-radicalize people.

You don’t really want to de-radicalize them though, do you? All this jabbering about “JUST DE-RADICALIZE THEM” and it doesn’t seem like you’ve even put 5minutes thought into what that means. Rather you’re just using that as an excuse to attack us further, attack us for reaching for self-defense instead of debating our existence… over and over again.

So here we are: Next time you’re tempted to argue de-radicalization, ask yourself, why ain’t I?

If you enjoyed this piece of writing, and would like me to be able to write them more, feel free to head over to my Ko-fi or my Liberapay and throw me a little coin.
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Rant

Vi ska inte behöva…

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Vi ska inte behöva diagnosera oss själva och peka med hela handen på alla symptom innan läkare tar oss på allvar.

Vi ska inte behöva gå till privatsjukvård för att få hypotyreos diagnoserat och behandlat.

Vi ska inte behöva gå till privatsjukvård för operation och hantering av lipödem.

Vi ska inte behöva vara friska för att klara av pappersarbetet som måste hanteras för att kunna vara sjuk.

Vi ska inte behöva bli bestraffade för att vi är sjuka.

Vi ska inte behöva känna oss som en belastning för samhället, när det är de stora skattesmitarna som är det riktiga problemet.

Vi ska inte behöva tigga till oss LSS-stöd.

Vi ska inte behöva köpa “knark” olagligt för att behandla vår smärta.

Vi ska inte behöva dö innan någon tar våra problem på allvar.

Vi ska inte behöva hamna på nyheterna för att få våra fall behandlade korrekt av Försäkringskassan.

Vi ska inte behöva bollas fram och tillbaka mellan Soc, Försäkringskassan och Arbetsförmedlingen för att ingen bär ansvaret för oss (i flesta av dessa fall är det Försäkringskassan som gör fel, det vet vi redan).

Musings, Rant

On Happiness and Chronic-Pain

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I feel like there’s this assumption that if you live with chronic-pain you have to be miserable.

I feel like this assumption is put on us by abled-bodied people, as well as ourselves.

I feel like when I tell you that I’m in a lot of pain today, but I’m in a fantastic mood, you do not hear the second part.

I feel like as a society, we disregard the fact that both people with chronic-pain and depression (or other disabilities) can be happy.

While, the depression one can be tricky, but the thing about happiness is that it’s not a constant, it’s something that happens in bursts through your day, or your week, which makes you smile, or enjoy something you’re doing.

It can be when we have a great conversation with a new, or old, friend.

It can be when we get a response to that flirt we sent out, with a wink face.

It can be when our pet does something cute and silly.

It can be when the sun is shining and you just want to enjoy the day.

Even when you’re in pain

Even when you’re depressed

Even when you can’t walk

Even when you’re alone.

This poem was not sponsored by my patrons, but it could be in the future. If you would like me to be able to write more of them, feel free to head over my patreon and check out the tiers there, $2 will hopefully eventually start sending poetry straight into your inbox! (it’s a process)
Alternatively, check out my support page for more info.

Rant

“I’ve had a day”

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“I’m having a day, a week, a month…”
I recognize myself so much in this. I kept chugging along, for years, just one more crisis to manage, where to live, how to eat, how to pay rent. Get through my courses so I’d be eligible for student loan so I could do those things.

Watching this video, really hits home. I’ve not felt purpose in a very long time, until just recently (the past few months).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYqHSo5aKkM

When someone asked how I was doing? “Good and bad, chaotic but smiling. He he he” I’d laugh it off, the bad. The stress. The chaos. Sometimes I’d rant for a few minutes on what’s been up. Like when I moved 6 times in 2.5 years, and didn’t know where I lived anymore.
I still have nightmares of not knowing where I live.

That awkward, nervous laugh… It’s just to stay alive, “if you smile you trick your brain that you’re actually happy”…

last year I made a new friend, who lived here in the house. She always smiled and was very cheerful. But I could see that behind her eyes were unhappiness. She was suffering as much as I was. We met before I got sick-leave due to my exhaustion.

Other people around us said “Uhhg, she’s so false, always cheery and smiling all the time”… I’d sit in silence regarding this, most of the time. Until I didn’t. “we have to trick ourselves, to stay alive, by smiling” is what I wanted to say.

I ended up with, not wanting to out her, out that her mom had brain cancer, and that she was as stressed and broken as I was (the few conversations we’d had had revealed this), saying: “You know, you don’t know what she goes through, you don’t know what’s behind that smile, some people just use it as a coping mechanism, to keep swimming”. Maybe that wasn’t the exact words… But that’s what I tried to say.

Someone who you may see as just false, is probably struggling, every day is a fight. Every breath is a fight.
You have to keep living, until one of two things happen: You catch a break, or you die.

Supporting people in such a situation, with the littlest you can, is a huge thing. Stepping away and not attacking people that You Do Not Know In Depth And Personally is the right thing to do.

I’ve had people help me pay rent in my life. Know what? I’ve helped people pay rent too.

The people who’ve had the least, are usually those who are ready to give the most when needed. They will remember their own shitty situations that they have survived to get to where they are today.

Giving to someone who has very little, will by extension help someone else in a shitty situation in the future, because these people will be so ready and alert to other people’s needs.

Any time when I know I can pay all my bills, and food for the entire month, and that I have another salary / income at the end of the month I do help other people. Maybe not always with much, but something little can make such a huge difference, it can mean the difference between having medicine this month, or having food at the end of the month.
I have a friend who’s fallen outside of the social security system. I buy her food at least once a month.

Today you probably look at me and go “you just got hired for a job, what are you complaining about.” Yes. Yes I did. I am privileged, but also incredibly lucky. Just dumb luck, that @sargoth sent me a message “psst mastodon, register” (before we hit 40k users here), and another series of events leading up to this.

I hadn’t had my period for 110 days because I was stressed about not knowing how to survive the next year, just trying to get through the next few months of studies..

This is a copy paste of a rant I wrote on mastodon.