When life beats you down

I moved to another country, it was okay that I felt exhausted.

I felt like I should be recovering faster, and be back to my new old-self.

I didn’t realize that I was out of sync with medication.

As well as attending family weddings.

As well as visiting new friends.

As well as…

I was just exhausted. And I didn’t admit it. I didn’t know how to deal with it.

I was supposed to be better now, stronger. I had moved countries, packed every box in my own.

I was strong and on top of the world. Why was I zapped?

The medicine imbalance took months to figure out, and a day to fix, or so I thought.

I felt an initial surge of energy. Slept 5hrs. “I’m back”, I yelled. Immediately heading out again.

Drained. I had to start over again. The self-destructive behaviors started creeping in.

Screwing more with medicine, not sleeping, eating too much sugar, not leaving the house, gaming all day, losing time.

What was I protecting myself from?

Nothing. But I was still out of balance, still not ready.

I decided to rest. To take all the time I needed.

Then I caught another cold. Every muscle in my body ached.

After two days it felt like it broke. My throat was still sore, but I was ready to take on the world, again.

Then I slipped down the stairs. Only half a flight.

More worried about the pistachio shells flying across the carpet, than my newly burnt knees.

I heard the panic in everyone’s voices, as they rushed to check on whoever fell.

I would’ve gotten up. Usually.

I felt defeated.

I was finally going to get shit done, and this happens? Why?

I just sat, collected my legs.

Are you alright?

“Nothing’s broken”. Other than my soul.

Crushed by obvious defeat.

This fat fuck doesn’t leave the house and now she can’t even get down the stairs on her own.

Intrusive thoughts.

I had only slipped.

I had slipped because my feet were slightly less rugged than the day before.

Now my knees were rugged instead.

I cried.

Eventually got up.

Went back upstairs and asked for a cup of tea.

To nurture my soul.

To reflect on the pain.

No blood.

No swelling.

No bruising. Yet.

Pantless, the revealed burns, just raw nerve endings, breathing in the oxygen.

“I was ready to take on the world again today.”

Maybe tomorrow.

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